propaganda monkey

I'm Back

2010-04-28T05:27:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm back after spending the last eight months in rehab/prison/a cave hiding from the mob/kidnapped by some bastards from Sardinia who raped me up the arse. Take your pick - they're all fucking lies anyway.
The truth is nobody reads this anyway so I thought I would spend the time in a more fruitful way and started my own cult.
Yes, I was The Most High Highness Of High Things And Baboon Fuckers until those bastards at the IRS got wind that I was syphoning off the 'gifts' from my devotees and spending it on online bingo.
That online bingo is one fucking scam. I spent billions of my devotees money on it and I won fuck all. That's right. Absolutely fuck all.
So to make some quick bucks I've applied to go on the US equivalent of Deal or No Deal?, called You Gonna Deal Or What? It's hosted by the US equivalent of Noel Edmonds. It's some cross-dressing freak called Doctor Fungus, who used to be a woman and a convicted animal abuser. (She got busted for posting pics of herself being fucked by a zebra or something.) Only, in our version if you pick the box with the penny in it you get your teeth removed live on TV by some guy with a sledgehammer.
And you guys have an election. Tune in next time to see which corrupt horse I'm backing.
Oooooowwwwaaaahhahahahahhhhahhh, motherfuckers.

I Expose A Celebrity

2009-09-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

I've got a world exclusive that will blow your foreskin clean off the end of your cock. Or your tits if you're a chick with a foreskin on her hooters.
This is an honest-to-fuck, 100% constipated bowel movement of a shocker, and I'm willing to let YOU in on the news....for some money.
Send a cheque for $40.00, made payable to 'Propaganda Monkey Drug Cartel Ltd' and send it to me at 90210 Cock and Balls, Upper Lower Central West Route 777, Donkeyshitville, LA, CA, USA.
I promise to send you totally unheard of news about Michael Jackson that my brother Jizzman picked up at some drug-fuelled seance or some other weird shit, or maybe some x-ray spectacles instead (value $0.0001).

Been On My Hols

2009-08-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

Just returned from les vacances. Guess where I went? Here's a clue:
Bonjour, M. Monkey de Propagande. Comment ca va?
Got it?
Yes, I went to fucking Miama again because the Frog turds wouldn't let me off the fucking plane at Charles de Frogging Gaulle because 'I might have ze rabies or perhaps ze nits'. Fucking garlic wankers.
It's bad enough spending 14 hours cooped up - the shame of it - in a kitty carrier in one of the cargo holds, but having some Frog wanker strip searching me and then being thrown into quarentine?
I have-a seen zat '28 Days Later' sheet. Zee fuckin' mong keez started eet all. Bang the leetle booger up. And NO TRYING TO FUCK EET! You 'ear me - PIERRE?
Next year I'm putting 'Noel Gallacher' on my visa application...

Pitch No.2 - "Is That A Man In There? Or Something?"

2009-07-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Right, so fuck all on the Oowahahahah, Motherfucker front, so I've got another...

There's a bunch of scientists in the Antarctic and suddenly these mad cunts in a helicopter appear from SwedenOrNorway and start shooting their dog because it's got a fucking monster hiding up its arse.
Right, and this guy called...Mick...thinks things are a bit dodgy, especially when the dog expodes into a big fucking monster and eats all their reindeer and shit, so they try to fry the monster but it keeps turning into the scientists and exploding into big, fucking monsters.
So Mick and a few of the good guys called...Chills...and...Potter...tie everyone else up and fry them with big fucking bunsen burners, just in case they explode into big fucking monsters.
But one of the good guys goes apeshit and fucks up their helicopter and central heating. So they kick his head in and put him in the garden shed, but he's actually one of the big fucking monsters and he's making another fucking helicopter so's he can get to fuck.
But Mick gets pissed while playing chess with a bitch and goes mental and blows everything to fuck, including the fucking monster.
At the end Mick and Chills are freezing their arses off so they get pissed on a bottle of whisky that miraculously survives the big fucking explosion and...
...Er..., I'll have to rethink the end bit, but...er...

I can do the whole thing for $A Gazillion. And hurry up, for fuck's sake, before the Ice Poles melt.

Pitch No.1 - "Oohwaaahahah, Motherfucker"

2009-07-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

I've decided that - since I've run out of money and cocaine - that I'm going to write movie scripts. I've got a fucking brilliant idea for a kick-ass movie which I'm going to pitch to you arseho...nice people.

Disgruntled NY cop - let's call him John - who's bitchy fucking wife's got a fab job in LA and fucks off with the kids.
At Thanksgiving - no, Christmas - John goes to LA to patch things up with his wife who works in a big fucking building owned by some Nip guy called...Mr Miriagi, but the building gets taken over by terrorist led by a German guy called...Hans Olo, who's got two blond twin guys and a black computer nerd and they try to steal everyone's Christmas bonus.
But....John gatecrashers their evil-doing shittery and together with the help of a big fat black cop called....CallMeAl, they kick the baddy's arses!!!
There's fucking bananas and shit flying everywhere! Some cunt spills cola on the carpet! There's Ferrero Roche and Quality Street wrappers pushed down the sides of sofas! Some pregnant woman pisses herself in the lift! Etc etc etc!
At the end, when John and Hans Olo confront one another, Hans slips on a potato scone and falls out the window while John lights up a B&H, snogs his wife, eats a Twinky and says "Oohwaaahahah, motherfucker!"

It'll cost about $800,000,000 to make ($150,000,000,000 if in 3D) and I can have it ready by summer 2016. And the guy who played Major Bellamy in Upstairs Downstairs says he's free to play John!

Waddaya say?

No. Really.

2009-07-13T02:36:00.000-07:00

Checking out ma bro's blog @ www.alecbeattie.blogspot.com - otherwise known as De-evolvinG - I was surprised to read about your Channel 4's dead animal malarky.
Sure, that shit's been happening for years. It's actually a bit of a big con, like your lot's 'leaving ma body to medical science'.
See, the medical science guys pay for the removal and disposal of your dead ass. Saves you a couple of grand on the funeral and all that shit and saves everyone the embarassment of turning up at your wake and having to lie to one another about what a fucking cunt you weren't.
But the medical science guys don't use your body for research. No fucking need. They just Google that shit nowadays.
What they actually do is sell your dead butt for kebab meat, or to Aldi who make just about anything out of your ass - cat food, bananas, cheap chocolate, toothpaste - fucking anything, dudes!
That's why kebabs are so cheap and taste like shit.
That's why you never see elephants shopping at Aldi. It's a bit fucked up for them, never knowing if they'll be shampooing their asses with the remains of their uncle Dumbo.
Me, being of the higher calibre of chimps, have already signed away the rights of all of my fucking family. Made a fucking tonne of cash, which I've wasted on whores and coke.

And remember to be nice to your mother. The bitch bit my cock the other day for the Freddy comment.

Bubbles Is Alive, But Heavily Sedated (For His Own Good).

2009-07-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

Insider info - Bubbles is alive and apparently well. No-one has, as yet..., plugged him with 12 rounds of handgun ammo in the brain and chest areas.
He took the news of MJ's sudden death poorly. He went fucking bananas, sprayed shit everywhere and attacked 3 of his 'handlers' who were forced to kick him unconscious, sedate him heavily and then pee on him in some sort of weird revenge scenario.
For the same reasons - the shit spraying and biting people - Bubbles was forbidden to go Michael's funeral. Indeed, it's been suggested by Mike's father that Bubbles be 'found dead as well'.
Bloody hell. The conspiracy theorists will have a fucking field day.

Tune in again, hairless ape-types.

Worse TV Ad Ever

2009-07-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

Hello chums.
As I'm so fucking rich I can get any TV channel pumped into my 600 inch plasma TV, here in my condo in the best part of LA (and NOT the fucking zoo as some wise-ass alleged. I think I'll have them killed.)
Remember that fucking piece-of-shit ad for the guys at DFS? The store that sells cheap sofas and shit to the great mass of unwashed shitkickers out there?
The one that had that fucking awful tune by that bunch of sheep shagging rednecked fucksters Nickleback? That atrocious Rock Star shit?
IT WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE!!
No more, though, is it the worse ever, because I've seen an even worse one, and I don't mean the Wiltshire Farm one with the skanky old woman who buys shitty frozen shit to feed her smelly grandchildren with.
I mean the Toolstation ad.
IT'S SO BAD I PUKED OVER MY MOTHER'S BACK WHEN I SAW IT WHILE I WAS HUMPING HER.
Chill, peeps. We chimps like to roll our own.
It's undoubtedly the most fucking annoying piece-of-shit ever to be broadcast anywhere, ever.
It's just a bunch of you human wankers dressed in orange boiler suits singing about how fucking brilliant Toolstation is to the tune of the Hokey Fuckin' Cokey, and dancing about like a bunch of brainless, grinning, moronic, retarded, fuckwitted shitkickers.
The ironic thing is that it's for a company called Toolstation, because the ad is made for and by a bunch of fucking TOOLS.

Remember. Be nice to your mum. You never know when she'll deliberately infect you with AIDS, like she did to Freddy Mercury.

Too soon?

I Fear For Bubbles (If He's Still Alive)

2009-06-26T03:21:00.000-07:00

Sadly, world-reknowned kiddie fiddler and general fuckwitted weirdo, Michael Jockstrap has copped his whack. Dead as a marmoset with a spear through it's still-twitching neck.
However, as the fucking planet unites to mourn/celebrate his departure, I can't help but think about poor Bubbles, Michael's unrecognised first wife.
The fucking vultures will be out to pick over the scraps that remain of his estate, and if my good friend Bubbles - or Bubs, as I like to call him - is named as a benefactor, then he's fucked.
Yes, sadly, some bastard will be out to kill Bubbles just to get their greedy paws/mits on his cash. Poor Bubbles will live the next few weeks in sheer terror before a 'cleaner' puts a dozen rounds into his brain, chest, scrotum and bumhole before popping a few more into his brain just to make sure he wasn't a fucking zombie or some other Wacko Jacko weirdo bullshit.
If there are any 'cleaners' out there willing to split the cash, I have detailed plans of Bubble's daily routine.

Just saying. That's all.

I Was On The Telly Last Night

2009-06-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

I fucking was. The BBC are showing some programmes about some fucked-up hippy types who're living in a treehouse in Gabon (Africa, dumb shit kickers).
These two tools have roped in some poor camera-guy dude who films everything you would expect to do in a treehouse in equatorial Gabon, like spend 23.95 hours every day killing insects that have more legs than a shop that sells tables and chairs.
Obviously they haven't been filmed knobbing each other because this isn't Big fucking arsehole Brother. It's about us monkeys. The fucking programmes called 'Monkey Diary' or 'Big Monkey' or some shit. (Hold on. My PA's just told me it's called 'Living With Monkeys: Tales From The Treetops'.)
Obviously I'm lying about being on a TV programme about fucking monkeys living in fucking trees in some African shithole because I live in a condo in LA.
You lot just assumed it was me because you bigoted arseholes think we all look alike. We don't. I've got a fucking ginger wig.
Go fuck yourselves.

Rumble In The Jungle

2009-06-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

Total fucking cliche or what?
Anyway, there's a disturbance in the force because some of you hairless wankers have gone and elected a couple of fucking Nazis to the Euro Parly.
Turns out one of them's a fat arsehole called Nick Griffin. Oh fucking dear. You fools.
'Cos that certain wankhole has been banned from the jungle (so I'm told. I live in a condo in LA) because he was getting it on with some of the wildlife, and not even the nice ones.
To put it bluntly he's been humping the baboons. Lifting up their pretensile tails and sticking his fascist cock in their simian bumholes.
And if that's not bad enough, he's fucking prejudiced against chimpazees, the cunt!
So King Simba told him to get to fuck.
So help me, it's all true.
Big up the Fyffes, tossers!!

Baboons Are Stupid

2009-05-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

If humans and baboons share 99% of their DNA, how come baboons are so fucking stupid? When was the last time you saw a baboon conducting a light opera or doing a sudoku?
Fucking pricks, the lot of them.
Sorry, I just found out my wife's having an affair with a fucking baboon.

Cut My Fucking Arse Shaving

2009-05-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

Being but a Propaganda Monkey with no real experience of using open razors, I have to tell you that I cut my fucking arse shaving the shit-encrusted fur around my butthole.
I am currently lying on my stomach writing this as sitting on my arse is extremely painful, and I keep bleeding all over the furniture, just like my Great Aunt Bobo who refused to wear sanitary products. Yuck.
Anyway, if by any massive (say, the width of our galaxy) coincidence that anyone actually reads this simian nonsense, can I recommend that you read my baldy chum Alec's blog at:
http://alecbeattie.blogspot.com
It's funnier than watching a marmoset play a banjo.

Welcome To Propaganda Monkey

2009-05-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

Hello. My name's Adolf Splendid and I'm a professional Propaganda Monkey. In return for my body weight in bananas I get to hammer away at a keyboard and turn out propaganda for the unsuspecting masses.
For example, did you know that Tarzan was a racist? He hated blacks. He had some really bad names for them, but I can't remember any of them at the moment.
Actually, this isn't true. It's just some of my propaganda. Personally, I hated that fucker with his swinging through the trees and fighting with plastic crocodiles and all the 'AAAAWAAAWAAA!!!' Really fucking annoying.
Now, because it's Sunday and all you human fuckers are lying about on your arses doing fuck all, I'm not going to do much myself. And, truth be told, I need a shower to try and get some of the shit out of the fur around my arsehole, so I'm out of here.
Tune in soon, you hairless ape-fuckers!